I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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