You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize