your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
