I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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