oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
