He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
