I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
