Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
