That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize