so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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