If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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