TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
