I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
