Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
