that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
