So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
