addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
