Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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