oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
