somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
