soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We were destined to go to rehab together
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
