Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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