Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
