Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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