We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
smell my finger.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
