Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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