distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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