Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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