i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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