My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
