She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
