he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
