Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
