Michael Bay diarrhea
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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