I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
