that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
