im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
