I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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