we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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