a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
