my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
