You're completely useless in the revolution.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
