did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
