I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
