btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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