He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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