At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
