Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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