Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize