Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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