You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
