If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
