What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
