who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Of course I have a pirate flag
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
