im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There's always time for handjobs
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
