It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
