My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize