i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
